I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
