he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
