Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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