On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
