Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
