There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize