would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
