nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
