You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
