I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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