Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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