The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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