so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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