i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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