My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Buhtt sex?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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