im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
