Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
