Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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