I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
