It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
