Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize