ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
