I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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