ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
COCAINE IS GR8
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
