If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
