I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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