god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
bring money and cleavage
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
