dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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