Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize