I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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