I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
