when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
