she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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