I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
