Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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