So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
