I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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