I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize