What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
