You can't special order awesome
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
