i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
