Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
