Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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