Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
