Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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