We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
