It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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