He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize