Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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