If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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