Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
