My room smells like vodka and shame
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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