I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
