and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
