Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
