Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
