WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
