who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How does one acquire holy water?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
